After I’m doxed, my psychiatrist prescribes a second brand of antipsychotic. This one is supposed to numb me, and it does. I scroll through photos, memes, threats, and slurs as exposure. I choose a post that encourages more death threats against my person as my screen saver. Words are the means to meaning, but read enough, they become just black lines on white space. While the pill improves mental resiliency, speeding up this process, it also softens my erection, makes it nigh impossible to masturbate, and I can’t sleep. I play video games instead. My favorite is Elden Ring, a challenging dark fantasy action RPG. I die over and over again, thanks to the game’s numerous infamous bosses. My stats increase. My character grows stronger. About a year later, I stop taking the antipsychotic. Then, months pass, and I still can’t sleep. My erection isn’t back to normal. Nevermind homophobic trolls, what’s stuck with me after all this time has been, I believe, chemical effects. I am now level 171 in Elden Ring. I’m on my second playthrough. More screenshots of hate-filled posts from my doxing are in a folder on my phone labeled: “Medicine.”

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Cletus Crow is a poet. His first full-length collection, Phallic Symbols, is available from Pig Roast Publishing.